Delivered From Drugs And Alcohol

By sharing our testimonies we are conquerors of our own destiny.. I am saved, born again, and baptized by our lord Jesus.

I once was so, so far away from the truth and i blindly let the devil take me into his playground and he stole everything i had in my life, Family,money, and “love”. I grew up as a kid an apostolic christian and at one point was a pastors kid. Later a family of 7 had been broken up because my mom left and everyone went their separate ways. I was alone most of the time and started getting involved with drugs and alcohol and truly because of the absence of love. I felt cold and hate and just didn’t care about my life. My dad still kept going to church without me and i just stayed away from it all. My new “friends” i met were daily pot smokers and that’s all they did. My dad being gone alot we would always be at my house i had so much breakdowns and i would cry so much because i felt so alone. I hated who i was in the mirror but my father told me that everything i did i was proud of. I couldn’t take more of it. so one day one of my friends who would smoke with me all the time invited me to youth group and so i went not expecting anything but the spirit of God whispered to me and took all that was in me and made me new. I didn’t know what to do anymore because i was living a new life. The church then invited me to a teen retreat and we had a guest speaker (from Tennessee whom i never met) who in the middle of his sermon points me out and delivers me and i was completely washed away the Holy Spirit took over my whole mind and body and moved me.. now i continue to practice in the word and am a leader in my church. I mean for a time period of 6 months God has done so much with me. an evangelist told me that God will use me for his glory and it touched me. God bless all, lets reach out to our brothers and sisters.

A Life Changing Jail Service: Esmerada’s Story

HERE IS A TESTIMONY FROM SOMEONE WHO CAME TO THE LORD IN THE JAIL IN ONE OF OUR SERVICES. SHE LOVES TO SHARE IT SO PLEASE DO: I FIRST MET ESMERALDA IN ESTRELLA JAIL AT JAIL SERVICES WE CONDUCT. WHAT A CHANGE IN A PERSON! I PRAISE GOD THAT HE IS NEVER FINISHED WITH US AND SEES THE “JEWEL” HE HAS CREATED BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH ESMERALDA BY THE “TOUCH OF THE MASTER’S HAND.” “I was once lost and blind and I refused the presence of God in my life. What I mean is the religious dogma of the Jehovah Witness religion. The view of God through religion was that he was just a commanding “freak” that turned His back on those who don’t believe in Jehovah. I always thought that Jesus was just a dead man; I refused God, His dead son, Jesus and everything to do with Him. I was so rebellious my whole life but looking back I see many times that God tried to reach out to me and to stop me from persecuting everyone that was obedient to God. I tore apart everyone who would try to show me that God is good and that Jesus is real and that they loved me. Growing up I was molested by one of my elementary school friend’s dad and as a result I became suicidal and suffered with bulimia. I was introduced to alcohol abuse due to the fact that my father was an alcoholic and could be very physically and mentally abusive, who also put a lot of stress on my mother. She had strong love in her but she was under all this stress due to the bad times we as a family endured. I left home and became independent at the age of 15 and turned into a “boracha” (alcoholic) – a regular “party animal” capable of lot’s of violence. At 16 I moved from NM to AZ but kept running back and forth to try to escape my problems. I worked as a CNA at 16 and just tried to be successful but it didn’t work out. One of my biggest problems was that I liked to party and to go clubbing using a fake ID, doing beer runs on a regular basis and this led to dealing drugs, doing drugs, and messing with counterfeit money to stealing cars (please forgive me if I car jacked yours). This all led to robberies and hanging out with gang members even though I never officially joined a gang (mainly because I wouldn’t let “homies” tell ME what to do!) I am ashamed to admit that I helped “homies” hold a hostage once – I was a driver for an escort service, in and out of jail constantly and even played with witchcraft. Through all of this, I was demonically tortured, I have been left for dead twice, raped with my baby in my arms and constantly involved in bad lustful relationships – at one point I think one could be referred to as “Lucifer’s brother” and as my robbery partner he shot my best friend, he put a bag over my head and suffocated me leaving me for dead and then came back to set my body on fire and so much more. I fell into another relationship who was involved in the Mexican cartels which I shot at him for leaving me for leaving me for dead and leaving my face like a complete monster. All I can say is that I am still alive today because of the mercy and grace of God. I once was lost but now I am found – it was God’s love through Jesus His son, my Redeemer that saved me when I was knocking at Hell’s door. Once I thought sin was fun but through my relationship with Jesus Christ (not religion) I have found “life and life more abundantly!” When I came to the realization that I was daily dying inside I bowed my knee, repented before the Lord for all I have done and asked Jesus to come into my heart. It says in Psalm 116:1, “I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice…” Yes, He heard my cry for mercy and forgave me. One of my favorite verses that has been a comfort for me is Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” This verse expresses what God has done for me and is continuing to do for me. God has blessed me with my husband, a true man of God, just what I asked for! My husband has adopted my three sons, Micklo, Ceazar, and Santi and with his and God’s help I am becoming the mother they need. God is day by day helping me to completely change my ways into the woman of God I want to be and a better citizen in my community. I attend Victory Outreach Phoenix with Pastor Toni and Sister Patsy and my church family stands with me and my family. I am in the process of opening my own little boutique store called Lala’s anointed Muneca’s (dolls) and also a website now is open for my product. http://lalasmunecasboutique.weebly.com and God is helping me do this because I was unable to get a job due to my felony. I want you to know that there is no need to be walking around hopeless and thinking its ok to be crazy. This isn’t normal behavior to be filled with guilt or to be suicidal. I had to live with guilt for taking a life (abortion). Yes, I have overcome an addiction to gambling and to alcohol and so can you no matter what your addiction may be! There is an almighty God, a forgiving God that loves us all so much and just wants to bless us and is just waiting for us to turn to him and ask him to forgive us of our sins. God and all of heaven rejoice every time someone repents and turns away from the lifestyle of sin. Yes, there was a party in heaven when I did it and there will be one for you when you give your heart to Jesus. God can and will heal any pain in your heart, any disease, any sickness and He can transform and heal anyone’s relationships. He can change hateful families to loving families. The Bible is so powerful, and I give all the glory to the Lord because I am supposed to be in prison or dead right now but instead I am out free – I thought my life was over but it is just beginning. At one time I was sitting in jail in the hole thinking of hanging myself as I thought my kids were better off without me and I was facing years in prison but then the Lord led me to the church services in Estrella Jail with Pastor Shari where she preached the Word of Jesus Christ and gave me so much hope and prayed for me, and helped me build my faith. She didn’t know this at the time but she saved my life and she never left my heart, then is when God started to do many miracles in my life. I went from a depraved woman to now being a woman of destiny and dignity and my life has purpose to it. I have found out that Jesus isn’t just a dead man but my living Lord and Savior. Don’t be stubborn today, Let Him love you and change your life forever. Esmeralda” (More of my favorite verses: Psalm 106:1; 1 John 1:9; Jeremiah 29:11; Ephesians 6:24; Hebrews 3: 7-8; Psalm 40:4; Romans 12:21; Matthew 7:7; 2 Thessalonians 2:13; john 16:23-24) AND PROVERBS 31:25, “SHE IS CLOTHED WITH STRENGTH AND DIGNITY…” Photo credit: Google

Delivered from the Hurt of Abuse and the Scars of Sin

Before I begin my testimony I feel it is important to give you some information on my childhood, so you will be better able to understand some of the decisions I made in my life, however good or bad they may have been. But every decision I have made during my lifetime good or bad is what has brought me to where I am now and I am very thankful for the mountains and the valleys.

When I was born my mother was only fifteen years old and now years later and after I went through the process of forgiving her and working through many things, I am now able to look at her life through her eyes to try to better understand how she must have felt. Someone gave me this advice when I was really struggling with all of this, I was told that maybe I could forgive easier if I try to see her life through her eyes and not the eyes of a hurt child, “you know what?” it worked, I can understand her more clearly now. She was not mature enough to take care of herself much less a baby. So she would send me here and there to whomever would willing to take me at that particular time, most of the time it was my grandmother, several times throughout my life she would decide that she wanted me back and she would come and uproot me again. I never really knew any stability in my life [although my grandmother tried] and I always felt as if no one really loved me or wanted me.

Then at the age of nine she came and got me and took me away from my grandmother which, really at this point of my life, was the only mother I had ever known and I was very attached to her. Anyway, my mother came and took me to Illinois where she lived, by this time she had remarried and she had two more children by her new husband. He hated me and the only reason I could figure out was simply that I was not his child. Now this was not my fault, although I did blame myself for many years. He started just physically abusing me, but at the age of nine that changed, he raped me and this abuse went on until I was thirteen and I finally told my mother [even though he threatened me that if I ever told anyone he would kill me and my grandmother], she didn’t believe me either, actually no one believed me. Finally I just let it drop and I buried all of those feelings of anger and hate for years, that has now all been dealt with and forgiven and now it is all under the precious blood of Jesus, I have even forgiven him for what he did to me in the Lord’s strength not my own. Praise God! I told my mother that I wanted to go back to Memphis to live with my grandmother and she consented just because she felt I was causing so much trouble and she did not want to be bothered.

Now my grandmother was now also remarried and I resented him for taking her away from me too. You must remember I was only a child and I felt like she was all I had and now I had lost her too. I was very hateful to him and caused so many problems, he was very kind and loving to me but I just could not accept what he was offering to me. My grandmother finally after a long struggle went to the courts and told the judge that I was out of control and they just could not handle me any longer, so they removed me and placed me in a foster home, the home I went to was wonderful, but at that time I could not see things clearly, all I could see was that the only person who should love me had now turned her back on me as well, I just wanted my grandmother so, I ran away. The courts then really called my bluff, so as a ward of the State of Tennessee I was placed in a Catholic all girls reform school for three and a half years, even our pet Saint Bernard was female LOL. Now as I look back, I can honestly say it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. But at that time all I could see was that I was totally alone, unloved and unwanted in this great big world.

Now I will jump ahead some. In 1987 I lost my three children to their father [not in the courts he just merely took them and left the state without my knowledge or consent] and I totally lost it. I turned heavily to alcohol and eventually that turned into crack and cocaine. By this time I had lost everything including my dignity as I had turned to prostitution to support my drug habit. I was arrested several times on various charges, but I was never convicted and I never served any time, I know that God was taking care of me even back then in my sin, He saw what I would be one day in Him. I give GOD all the PRAISE, HONOR AND GLORY for all that I am today and all that I will be.

The drugs and my roaming had taken me too many places but on December 20, 1990 I came across a man that told me about Jesus and how He could deliver me and make my life an example to others. I had not eaten in a couple of days and he asked me if I was hungry, so he took me to a restaurant and bought me something to eat. The entire time he shared about Jesus Christ with me. He told me Christ could and would set me free if I was willing, and how He (Jesus), would give me a new life without all the pain and turmoil I was living in. Of course being a Christian does not eliminate us from pain, trials and tribulation but with Christ in our hearts He will give us the strength to overcome and withstand even in the worst times. I began sharing my life story with this man and he still said Jesus is the answer, and boy was he right. Right there I gave my heart to the Lord and I decided to live for Him and serve Him for the rest of my life.

I began singing at the age of five, but I had destroyed my voice through drug abuse, I just abused the gifts that God had given me. So I prayed and told the Lord that if He would heal and restore my voice I would use this gift for His glory for the rest of my life. Now, God has done exceedingly and abundantly above all that I could ask or think. The songs that I sing and others that I have written they are all His I am only an instrument holding the pen. It does not matter where you are, Christ will come to you and meet you if, you are willing to let your life go and let Him be God of and in your life.

I have had so many miracles in my Christian life as I am a walking miracle myself. But one of these miracles of a physical healing really stands out to me and I would like to share this with you as well. Around 2001 I was diagnosed with an incurable bowel condition, the doctors were not really sure what it was exactly, but they had come to the conclusion that with ulcers all through my body and many in my bowel system, they said they wanted to do surgery and remove a part of my bowel. My reply was that I wanted to get prayer for this and that I believed that God was going to heal me and I would not need the surgery at all. They went ahead and scheduled me for another scope the following week, just a few days after Christmas. Then on Christmas Eve I placed a long distance call to a minister friend of mine and asked him to pray for me, he said no problem but he would need to call me back in a few minutes. While waiting for him to call back I surrounded myself with God’s word and actually knelt on the Bible to show God that I believed His word and was claiming His promise of healing. When my friend called me back I knelt on the bible said, “Pray”. When he prayed for me the fire of God hit me and went through me, I had such a peace come over me. I went over to my bed and fell asleep (now Adam was put into a deep sleep in Genesis when God removed the rib to create woman) God did the same for me as I lay there sleeping He performed surgery on me to heal my body. I slept for seventeen hours and when I woke the bleeding had stopped and so had the pain, I knew without a doubt that I was healed by the precious hand of the Great Physician. I was on about $400.00 worth of medicine a month and I went into the kitchen and threw it all in the trash. I did go back for the scope when I was scheduled and the doctors were amazed there were no ulcers anywhere and I just praised God for His healing power.

I am now an ordained minister and I love and serve God with all that I have. I know God has called me into the ministry to help others overcome and learn and grow in Him. I am also now a southern gospel singersongwriter. The Lord has blessed me and I will continue on this road He has placed me on for my desire is only to serve Him. I will travel anywhere I am invited to give my testimony or to sing or both. God is wonderful and it is to His glory that I am writing this, if one soul is reached in anyway then this is worth everything.

As far as my family and children I thought I would just share this information on my children as our family continues to grow. And this is how my relationship is now with my children and grandchildren.

My oldest daughter, Chrystina’h is married to Adam; they have three beautiful children, one boy Attisyn is 8, Charysma’h is 4 and Kaelyn is 2. They live in Ontario, Canada and I am now living in Canada very close to them and I am enjoying it very much.

My son is my middle child, Jackson he is divorced and living in Mississippi he has four children Benjamin 7, Raygen who is 5, Larissa is 3, and Rayne who is 2.

My youngest child, Karina’h is married to Josh, she two daughters Alissa 8, Jasmine 8, Alexis 7, they have a son Brayson who was born in May 2007 and we are very excited that they have a new addition Jayden born May 2009. They also live in Mississippi.

Again I cannot stress enough that this is for the glory of God that I am here and that my life is what it is today, for without Christ I am nothing, but through Him I am a joint heir with Jesus Christ. He is our Deliverer, Savior, Helper, and Healer and any problem we may have is never too great or to small for Him, we just have to take it to Him and leave it at His feet and in His care. I thank God with all my heart because I know without a doubt that His power is still healing, still saving and still delivering. He is good all the time. I have made my mistakes but His grace is sufficient. God loves us and if we truly repent and confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

If I can help anyone out there, please contact me with the information provided below and I will do my best to help in anyway I can. If you have questions about loved ones who may be on drugs or other addictions I will try to answer your questions, if I do not know the answer I will do my best to find the answer for you. If you have loved ones that you need prayer for I will gladly join you in agreeing for that person for the Kingdom, just email me with the information so I can be in prayer daily for you and/or your family members and/or friends. Please always remember we are human and we will make mistakes but just confess to God those mistakes and get them under the blood of Jesus as soon as possible, God still loves us and He will help us in all of our situations. He will always come down to our level and help us to reach up to His level no matter what you call out His name for; He is there and WILL HELP YOU!

GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU ALL. I GIVE FULL PERMISSION TO ANYONE WHO CAN USE THIS TESTIMONY TO COPY IT AND GIVE IT OUT OR TO SHARE IT PUBLICALLY, BUT PLEASE GIVE ALL THE GLORY AND PRAISE TO GOD. THANK YOU. I AM YOUR SISTER IN CHRIST JESUS.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 and he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

God Calmed A Child: Repost

No testimony is small. Everything we go through in life either positive or negative is a testimony. 

I consider this testimony quite powerful and builds my trust in the Lord indeed, not like I have experienced in the recent past. The last time I had a testimony of this nature was in 2011 when I had just gotten saved. This is the kind of testimony that Gideon, the mighty man of valor would have had. It sounds simple, yet very spiritually empowering to me. Here is the testimony:

I work from home and therefore I am always home. A friend of mine has a kid and a baby who is just two weeks old. Today she decided to leave campus and risk leaving me behind with the baby. I had no idea she had gone out until she came back and told me how everything went. The baby was left sleeping next to me and I recalled as she walked out, she hoped and prayed that the baby would not wake up. Her baby is notorious for waking up from sleep after a few short minutes. She rarely sleeps for more than an hour. I realized that in case the baby wakes up, then I could have a problem of calming her down since she didn’t leave any food behind. So I made a solemn prayer to the lord asking the Holy Spirit to calm the baby down and give her a sweet comfortable sleep until her mom returns. The prayer was short but mainly within the mind, barely audible.

The baby kept real calm indeed but there had been times when the baby threatened to wake up. She even cried twice in her sleep, but deep down in my heart, I asked myself, “Lord, would you let this happen?” I had a fear of the child waking up since she always cries and calming her down is far from an easy task.

Outside the window, there had been noises coming from the environment. I asked the Lord to calm the environment as well to avoid waking up the baby. So I remained hopeful in the Lord and even though there were times the baby was evidently waking up, she would gradually drift back to sleep again. My heart was pounding by then because I thought the Lord did not listen to my prayer. That is when life as a sinner flashed before my heart and mind as I believed the sinful ways I lived were responsible for the non-responsive way God was relating to me. However when the baby was just about to give her last cry out, guess what, her mom walked in! Hooray!! God had once again showed me that indeed He is Father and He listens to the prayers we make to Him. The baby even drifted back to sleep again for a few minutes after the mom had picked her up.

I build confidence in the Lord day by day, even with the investments I make, I rely on the Lord to lead the way. It is not my ingenuity or skills that make these investments work towards greater success for me, but it the Lord that holds my hands as I make these investments. Even though others do not see success, I believe the Lord has singled me out in his favor, just He singled out the Land of Goshen where Israel lived. It was free from the scourge! God’s words and promises stand forever indeed. Those that rely on Him shall be calm in heart, everything they shall touch shall be successful. Be blessed in all you do in Jesus’ mighty name.

Testimony: Prayer Works!

One thing have witnessed is that no testimony is small. Every testimony is a story and a blessing to someone out there. 

I would like to testify on how GOOD God is. I had lost my wallet in a cab last August and i was panicking and going crazy because my life was in there. When i say i had everything in my wallet, i had everything (including my social security)! I prayed and prayed and had other people praying for me and as time went by i went about my business and got new credit cards and social security cards. I replaced everything little by little.

In October, a women (who i like to call an angel) came to my house and brought me back my wallet with EVERYTHING inside, including my social security card. My money was stolen but I didn’t care about the money -all i cared about was that my valuables was given back. The women was very nice to me and i tried to repay her with money to show how appreciative I was but she wouldn’t take it and she said that she was just so happy to have given it back to me because she would want someone to do that for her if she lost her wallet.

So the cab driver had my wallet all that time and she fought him to give it to her and she also got him to drive her to my house to personally give me back my wallet. God showed me favor. Man oh man GOD IS GOOD! He is more than good he is GREAT! i know there is a God and that prayer works. This is my testimony that i had to share. Lord I love you (shouting the victory!)

Jesus Did It!!!

Testimony: No More Miscarriages

My husband and I got married about 10 years ago. During the first 6 years of our marriage, I had 6 miscarriages. The only thing I ever wanted to do was to be a wife and mother. This was so devastating to me. The doctors could not find out why I kept miscarrying. The longest I held the pregnancy was about 9 weeks. Its like I always expected the worst.

My relationship with God would have its ups and downs. I would pray, fast, and believe, and yet, I would lose another one. If I could only get through that first trimester. The day I went for an ultrasound and the doctor told me my baby had no heartbeat was so divesting to me. Most of the time, I miscarried before I had an ultrasound. I was all alone at that appointment. That was the longest drive home I have ever had. I cried all the way. I couldn’t understand why God would allow me to have the desire to be a mother and yet I couldn’t be. I prayed so hard to either take the desire from me, or to allow me to have a child.

In December 2007, I had my tonsils removed. My doctor had been trying to get me to have them out for a year or so. Finally, I did it. I was so nervous, I literally thought I would not make it through the operation. By the time Feb 2008 came around, I found out I was 12 weeks pregnant!! I couldn’t believe it! I had wanted this so bad, and yet I couldn’t believe that I didn’t know already. I was past the critical stage, and I was able to have a perfect ultrasound! My husband had told me that he wouldn’t let me go to another appointment alone.

I am so amazed that we were able to have a beautiful perfect little baby girl. I felt like I was on an emotional high for the entire first year. I didn’t want to be greedy, and I was fully content on having one child. But I prayed for us to have a boy, because I wanted my husband to have a son, and do all the father/son things. I specifically prayed for a boy. Amazingly, 10 days short of two years apart, I now have a son!! Both my pregnancies were problem free, even though I was treated as high-risk. Another thing was that I didn’t want to have a C-Section. I prayed that I would be able to have the babies naturally, and I was able to do that as well…The births were so easy and QUICK. To any of you out there who are experiencing infertility, I just want you to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I had my first child in my 7th year of marriage…she was my 7th pregnancy. Amazing!!

Testimony: Praise To The Glory Of God’s Grace

​This is the story of my salvation, of how God called me out of darkness into His glorious light, that I might proclaim His praises. Many miraculous things have happened to me since becoming a Christian, but this story focuses on the events surrounding my salvation.

As a little girl my mother would tuck my sister and I in at night and pray the Lord’s prayer with us every night. My family was not really religious and we probably attended church less than ten times as a family throughout my whole childhood while growing up. Though I remember desiring to go to Sunday school, but never went as we did not attend church either. My mother attended church briefly in my very early childhood and took me with her, and my gran told me about the power of the blood of Jesus. Most of my religious exposure came from school – schools in South Africa in those days had special times for bible classes as well as time for prayer in the mornings and assemblies.

Growing up I always believed in God as well as in Jesus and often prayed – mostly before an examination, but I also remember always saying sorry to God when I knew I had sinned. I always called on Jesus name when in danger. I was hit by a car when I was ten years old, I cried out to Jesus that I did not want to die. As a rebellious teenager I had frightening dreams and would always call on Jesus name to ease my fear.

My family was quite close-knit and ‘normal’. My dad worked a 9-5 job and for the most part my mother was a house wife and was always at home for us children. My parents were stable and are still married today, despite problems they faced as a married couple. I was the middle child of three children. I had an older brother six years my senior and a sister four years younger than me. I had no problems at school and achieved in academics and sports. I was a generally respectful and obedient child and gave my parents very little grief. My childhood was happy though not without hiccups. When I look back, I see God’s hand so clearly in all my affairs, such as a time when I was knocked over by a car and a nurse was on the scene with pain pills and a leg splint for my broken leg, or when my brother rescued me from the swimming pool after falling in as a young 4 year old. I also remember being at one church service when I was about six years old and some people were getting baptized – I remember thinking that I too would like to be baptized, though I did not understand the meaning of it.

Everything began to change when I reached high school. I read a book based on a true story about a young girl who wrote in her diary. She described her experiences with drugs in detail. Instantly I became intrigued and obsessed with the idea of taking drugs. I also read a book about how Satanism was seducing the youth. I started dabbling a little with witchcraft and eventually became a regular drug user. I used Marijuana, LSD, Ecstasy, Cocaine and anything else that was on the market. I sold my possessions and lied to my parents to buy drugs.  During this time my father was transferred to a small town on the west coast of South Africa called Langebaan, as he was a civil engineer and did the work of a contract manager. I was becoming very rebellious and demanded that I be sent to the boarding school in my home town, Port Elizabeth. My parents agreed and I was sent to a prestigious all girls school. I had in the previous year won the junior victrix ladorum for being the best all round junior athlete at our school sports day at the same school. In the boarding school I met another girl who was like minded – she also enjoyed drug taking and going to parties. We eventually conspired to run away together to Durban to live it up and do as we pleased. By the grace of God, we only made it as far as the next major city next to Port Elizabeth, East London, before concerned people phoned the police after seeing us hitch hiking on a busy road. We were taken to social workers who called for our parents to fetch us. My mother had spent the previous night driving across South Africa as she had received a call from the school that I was missing. I was relieved to see my mother, though sad and ashamed that I had hurt her.

This incident, however, did not stop me from my ways. A year later, my father was transferred to Pretoria and my whole family was to move up. My older brother had by this time been in quite a successful music band and wanted to stay in Port Elizabeth. I begged my parents if I could stay with him, as I wanted to attend the art college that was close by (and also wanted to be out of their sight so that I could continue using drugs and doing what I wanted). My parents again agreed to my demands. I was enrolled at the art college. During this time I was using cocaine and my parents found out about it as a family friend had noticed something amiss and had phoned them. My parents fetched both my brother and I and took us back to Pretoria. I managed to convince my parents that it was a lie, and that I wanted to go back to the art college. They did not agree. I decided to hitchhike to Port Elizabeth, though ended up in a dangerous area in Johannesburg, Hillbrow, notorious for Nigerian drug dealers. One of these dealers had seen me hiking and had picked me up – he took me to KFC and offered to pay for a flight to Port Elizabeth for me. As young and as naïve as I was I believed him. Fortuanately, God protected me even in that dangerous area and no evil happened to me. I had managed to phone a young boy that I had been seeing and who loved me (he is today my husband)

– he pleaded with the man to not hurt me. My brother had friends in Port Elizabeth who knew this Nigerian and told my brother there were plans to ship me out of the country and use me as a drug mule and sex slave. Thus my brother found my whereabouts and my parents arrived to fetch me. I shudder to think what could have happened to me as an ignorant and foolish teenager. This incident convinced my parents to allow me to return to my home town and live with my boyfriend’s family and continue attending the art college. Three months later my brother and sister were in a serious car accident. My brother died six hours later from internal injuries and blood loss.

During this time, I did go for two or three visits to my family in Pretoria by bus. On one visit I asked my mom to buy me a book for the bus ride back as the ride was over 14 hours long. I chose a book called, “He came to set the captives free.” Since then I have learned that it is quite a controversial book, however the Lord used it to open my eyes to my bondage to sin. On another visit I read a number of the “tribulation force” books about the rapture and coming of Jesus. I continued in the same lifestyle – drugs, partying, aimlessness, though something was changing inside me. I began to be convicted of my sins and a number of times felt as though I was dying while on drugs and cried out to God to forgive me, as I knew my life was not right with Him and did not want to die in my sin. I also prayed for a bible and soon enough a friend of mine gave me a mini new testament. I however continued to abuse drugs and live a sinful lifestyle, though my conscience was bothering me. When my parents visited they told me they and my sister had been baptized. I was interested, though still enjoyed taking drugs, particularly ecstasy and cocaine and did not really want to stop. While they were still in town I had a dream of my deceased brother. In my dream he was being pulled on a stretcher. He suddenly sat up and looked at me. Blood was pouring from his nose and he said, “My only advice to you is to get out of the drug world now.” When I woke up I decided it was time to get baptized and turn my life over to God. I told my parents and soon arrangements were made for me to be baptized by the same person who had baptized them. They were also getting ready to move back to Port Elizabeth. I drove to Pretoria with my parents and read another book that was in the car called “The Call” by Rick Joyner. Jesus was beginning to be more real to me.

Finally one of the most special days of my life arrived, the day I was to be baptized. As we neared the man’s house, I was overjoyed and overcome first by tears and then laughter. I just knew that my life was about to change. When I entered the house I sensed a Presence – a loving, holy presence.  The man explained to me that I was going to be purchased by the blood of Jesus and that God would be my Father and that I would belong to Him. I prayed to God and confessed all my sins to Him while the young man anointed me with oil and prayed for me. Thereafter he baptized me in the swimming pool in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. When I came up from the water I felt as though I were a new person. I had such an indescribable peace within me. I was instantly set free from my smoking and drug addiction. I had a new hunger in my heart – a hunger to fellowship with other Christians and read the word of God.

A week later we had arrived back to our old home in Port Elizabeth that my father had built for us. I was so excited to attend a church. Where would I go? How would I get there? I had already told my boyfriend that I had been baptized and had accepted Jesus as my savior – I told him that I now only wanted to be friends with him. He decided to take me to a church that my mom had suggested (though they still did not attend church even though they had been baptized). That night as I walked into the church I again sensed the same Presence – I can only describe it as a holy, loving presence that was like the sunshine, but my heart was drinking in the warmth. The service began with praise and worship. I was amazed as the people sang, clapped and worshipped the Lord Jesus with such enthusiasm. I joined in, singing with all my heart to the Lord Jesus. Suddenly the most amazing thing began happening to me. An electrical current raced though my entire body, increasing in intensity and it felt as though Someone was holding both my hands tightly down at my sides. My whole body was shaking. My heart was bursting, and from deep within me I was communicating with God with groans that words cannot express. As the worship ended, I opened my eyes and was just bursting to tell someone what had happened to me. God restrained me until the service had ended. I was filled to the brim and overflowing with intense love, joy, peace, contentment. On the way home I couldn’t help but sing and praise God. Later I learned about the baptism of the Holy Spirit which is promised to all who will repent of their sins and receive Jesus. My young friend became upset as I told him what had happened to me during the service. He had been uncomfortable in the church as he had been raised in a conservative Dutch reformed church. However, that night when he got home, he told me that he went down on his knees alone in his room and repented of his sins. Three months later he was also baptized and was given the gift of speaking in tongues immediately aft After experiencing God so intimately I was a completely new person. I was so in love with Jesus and passionately on fire for God, witnessing to anyone who would listen and attending church as often as possible to learn God’s word and worship Him. My whole appearance changed, my eyes were bright and there was a smile on my face! I could look people in the eye, and no longer walked with eyes downcast, looking at the ground. I no longer dressed only in black or wore too revealing clothes. My desire for drugs, cigarettes and partying was completely gone. I decided to return to high school to finish my schooling. I was enrolled at a private school that would allow me to complete my final year, even though I had not completed grades 10 and 11. I worked hard and finished my schooling as the second top student – all to the glory of God. Through God I also started a prayer group at the school and another young boy accepted Jesus as his savior and experienced God in the same way I had. He is still serving God today in the field of medicine. My dream was to experience a Year of your Life programme done through a bible school after completing school, but it did not work out. Instead I was accepted into University to study to become a teacher. I desperately wanted to do good and make a difference in the world and serve God with all my heart.

After the first year of being a Christian I suddenly began to experience many trials and felt as though God was withdrawing His presence from me. My young friend said that the “honeymoon” was over. I was very saddened and began to seek God wholeheartedly. I learned scriptures such as the parable of the sower and was determined to not be as those who quickly receive God’s message with joy, but then fall away soon after when tribulation arises because of the word. I memorized encouraging scriptures about God never leaving, nor forsaking me and read the bible and prayed every day. I began to mature in my faith – though was by no means perfect. I had to daily confess my sins, cast down thoughts and discipline myself. I learned how gracious and compassionate God is, and also developed a healthy fear of God as the one who would judge my works. I once again began to feel secure in my position in Christ Jesus as the one who saves us.

I was baptized in November 1999, it is now August 2011 and I am still free of drugs and cigarettes. I am now married to my young friend who experienced salvation with me, and we have two beautiful daughters. I give God all the glory and praise for the wonderful work He has done in me, as well as for all the wonderful works He is doing throughout the earth.

I wrote a poem about the wonderful grace of God a number of years ago that I hope can encourage others, too .

Praise To The Glory Of His Grace

A righteousness of my own I cannot achieve

For in my sinful nature nothing good lives

Humbly I come to God to receive the righteousness which through Christ He gives.

My nakedness I cannot hide from God

Nor whiten my filthy ragged array

By grace He clothes me in a shining white robe

And washes all my sin and shame away.

This grace is given to a sinner like me

Not through any good deed of mine

The Son of God hung on a tree

As the ultimate sacrifice of all time.

The righteous God sits on His throne

And the resurrected Christ at His right hand now alive to Him

I am not my own as a new creation before Him I stand.

Now very soon, Yes it’s at the door

Jesus will return in great power and glory

The dead and alive in Christ will meet Him in the air

We will further be clothed with immortality.

A heavenly city God has prepared

Where righteousness, holiness and peace abound

This is where He will bring all His heirs who once were lost but now have been found.

Jesus did it!!!

Photo credit: Google

Testimony: It’s Okay, I’m Here

I met Him in the tiniest room there was in this small white church that I had never attended before until that weekend. As I closed my eyes to pray with faith for the first time, I didn’t feel like I was in that small room anymore. I was consumed and surrounded by God’s presence, amazing grace, forgiveness and unconditional love. I felt like I was talking to Him face to face; that I was before His throne in heaven. I felt protected and safe. I had never felt that unexplainable feeling before at that moment until then. I knew He was listening and I could feel the party that was going on in heaven as I accepted and made Jesus the Lord and Savior of my life! This happened for me at a purity weekend in late May of 2008. I walked out of those church doors that weekend with weights of burdens, worry, fear, and doubt lifted and I was changed from the inside out! But before this weekend ever happened life wasn’t so easy and I was in the search for healing, love, meaning — in search of something bigger. I was in search of God.

I never really grew up in a Christian home, even though my family always believed that there was a God but didn’t live for Him. I would jump back and forth, living with my mom and dad at times, and then my aunt and uncle up until I was nine. As I jumped from home to home, I began being sexually abused by more than one person and physically abused by my dad. At nine I went to live with my aunt and uncle permanently. My aunt taught me how to pray and I am so thankful for all my aunt and uncle have done and continue to do. But somehow I felt like it wasn’t enough and I got stubborn and rebellious at the age of thirteen and went back to live with my mom (by this time my mom and dad were split up and about to get divorced). I then began to question if there really was a God.

It wasn’t easy going back and living with my mom. She drank a lot and hardly was home. When I lived with her I really couldn’t call the many places we lived home. We lived in motel and hotel rooms and various other places that we kept getting kicked out of, and finally she has kept and is living in a trailer that they can call home now. But at the time I had to take care of my younger sister and brother and learned to do the basic stuff like cooking, cleaning, etc., on my own. I grew up poor. I had no running water growing up. My family and I would carry jugs of water back from the run off. We had no heat except the heat from the woodstove we owned. But this was the poorest I have ever been. Sometimes we hardly had any food and I saw my younger sister and brother beg for food. Furthermore, at this time in my life, I met my best friend. She had great faith in Jesus. You could tell she loved Him and her family and she lived for Him. She wouldn’t push her faith on me, but she would invite me to go to church – to church activities – and was excited and ready to answer the many questions I would ask about Christianity. My best friend and the horrifying experiences from my past drew me closer to Jesus and helped me to make Him my hero and king.

At purity weekend the messages about sexual purity, how special and unique my body is, and how much I am worth really brought out what was hiding deep inside of me for many years. I finally understood why with the sexual abuse, why I was created the way I was, and learned that my virginity that I had been struggling to save, and could have been forced to give away was not only special to me but to Jesus and my future husband. I didn’t feel like I was worth much due to the abuse I had experienced, and the way I had to live, but I learned that I was worth more than I felt because of Jesus’ sacrifice. A week before purity weekend I had had phone sex with a guy in my grade and as I sat there in that church listening to the women speaker, I felt a very deep guilt, the worst guilt I have ever felt before. I knew what I needed to do, so I ran to one of the girl leaders and confessed what I did and how I felt, I couldn’t hold back the tears… I was convicted as the Holy Spirit worked inside of me for the first time. She took me to a small room and helped me to confess what I did to Jesus, helped me to ask for His forgiveness and accept that He died for me, then defeated death itself and then we asked Him to help me live for Him and I thanked Jesus.

For about a month after I had said that prayer and made Jesus the Lord and Savior of my life, I was filled with the Holy Spirit and excitement. Nothing could take my new faith away and I liked the knowledge and feeling of having a savior. I was filled to the top with everything I needed. I felt completed. Despite all these great feelings, that didn’t change the home life I went back to, my old habits, my selfish ways, or how my family decided to live.

Jesus has taken me in, adopted me and cleaned me up, but is still always doing the work He does of cleaning me up, teaching me, putting me through trials, struggles and things to make me cling to Him and grow into someone like who Jesus was and is. It wasn’t easy and still isn’t easy giving up everything for Jesus and learning to obey Him and not ignore Him in every area of life. In the beginning of my faith I remember it being very hard for me to continue to build and grow this relationship with somebody I couldn’t see or hear with my physical eyes and ears. I learned then to have faith in the smallest of things and to trust God even when I doubted or wasn’t thinking clearly. I also was struggling to understand the grace and forgiveness of Jesus and dealing with a habitual sin. Then an amazing thing happened as I prayed about this struggle and sin… God gave me this vision – like a daydream sort of – and it helped me to understand what really happened at the cross.

This is what happened in my daydream: I find myself in the crowd watching Jesus carry His cross to the Crucifixion ground (Skull Hill). He is all bloody and pain is written on His face. He can hardly stand up. He looks at me and I want to go tell him, “I’m sorry,” but my feet won’t move. My mind then takes me to the foot of the cross. I’m there alone and I’m praying. I hear a deep, soothing, calm voice. I look up and am staring into Jesus’ fiery orange eyes. He says to me, “It’s OK, I’m here.” Then there is complete silence and I’m showered in protection. I fall into His mighty arms and am loved. That’s not the only things that God has showed me and taught me though.

For the past two years I have battled depression, suicidal thoughts, suicidal attempts, and cutting. I have become closer to Jesus, learned to trust Him with the little faith I did have, that grew and grew during these times of depression. He has set me free from the suicidal thoughts, wanting to commit suicide/need to give up completely and cutting. I thank Him every day for letting me survive those times that I was so close to death. I learned to turn to Him and use the weapons He has given me to fight many temptations like cutting. Likewise, throughout these three years that I have been a Christian, I have learned so much about who I was and am growing into being. I continue to learn more about Jesus and what He has done for me everyday too. I see progress most of the time in my attitude, behavior, and thoughts. I see change sometimes in myself because of the work of the Holy Spirit, and then other times I get stuck and need to figure out what is holding me back from moving forward. I am very thankful for the family of God that I do have and the support, guidance, advice and help they have shown me. I am learning, and growing into living everyday for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! I hope and pray that my lifestyle and daily habits honor glorify and make our God smile!

Jesus Did It!!! 

Testimony: Stop The Pain 

​Can you imagine hating life so bad that you cut and burn your body to try to feel better? I have over 250 cut marks on my body that I’m not proud of … but they are past reminders of what my miserable life was like before God rescued me from my self-destruction. If you can identify and are looking for some hope … please keep reading.

I was born in 1968 in Pennsylvania. I was raped by a male acquaintance of my mother’s at age five. I was physically and sexually abused by my older brother from ages 7 to 17, and raped twice by an uncle at age 19.

Like most – as a result of the sexual abuse and violence that occurred, it led me into a path of destructive behavior, and a life of utter confusion and feelings of great inadequacy.

There’s no doubt in my mind that due to the abuse and sexual violence I was visited with through those first 20 years of living, the many problems and psychiatric issues that visited me stemmed from all that abuse.

From an early age … I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, anger and hatred toward men. (Being sexually abused at a young age typically does that to a person). As a child I was in therapy, a bed-wetter, was attracted to girls, had strong desires to be a boy, and often dressed as a boy. As I entered my teens, I endured a sexual identity crisis, dealt with self-destructive behavior, developed anorexia and bulimia, was an alcoholic, dabbled in drugs, was in and out of therapy and entered the Marines.

By early adulthood I was causing self-inflicted injuries on my body as a way of coping, in and out of Eating Disorder Units and psychiatric hospitals, dealt with suicidal tendencies, battled with numerous suicide attempts, was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance, clinical depression and Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP).

By age 25 I had self-injured my body by cutting and burning (one 5″ scar and one 4″ scar from 3rd degree burns and over 250 scars from cutting). I had been involved in various relationships, led a homosexual lifestyle, was in a gang, had an abortion, filed bankruptcy due to high medical bills, was on psychotherapeutic medication (17 pills daily), had battled with mental illness and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals.

As I approached 27, I was dependent on psychotherapeutic medications, totally exasperated and felt as though I was just existing and taking up space. I was at a point in my life that although I doubted anything could be better, I was drastically looking for my life to somehow change.

Although I thought I had tried everything possible to get better, somehow I was still open for help. It seemed that whatever I tried, it was only good for a few hours … maybe a day. Sometimes – if I got “lucky” – it lasted a couple days.

I was not brought up around church or anything godly. One Sunday in March of 1995 I was invited to church and reluctantly went. It was my first time going to a church in over 15 years, and this was no church like I had ever been to. From the moment I stepped through the doors, I sensed something different.

When I walked into that church in Florham Park, NJ, I remember sensing such love and peace. (I honestly thought it would be over once I left because that’s the way everything else went). I wasn’t quite sure what my spiritual beliefs were, mainly agnostic, as I spent most of my life blaming God, or questioning Him, why all this had happened to me. Can you identify? I was at a point in my life where I was not ready to be let down again. I was so tired of being let down again and again.

All I knew was that when I walked into that church, I felt great and didn’t remember feeling so much peace like that ever before. And I knew it was real. No medication made me feel this alert and alive. I knew it was real.

I wanted so much to be normal but had no clue how to do it, as everything else I had tried proved a failure. After going to that church, I asked God to make Himself real to me.

Within days I noticed that I was more peaceful, able to think clearly and the negative desires I had were not so strong. Even though to an outsider that would seem so small of a change … for me, it was a big thing just to see any change. It was then that I knew God was real. Nothing had ever lasted this long!

A few weeks later, I bought a Bible and it opened right up to the book of Mark. I began reading in Mark, Chapter 5, verses 1 through 19. As I read, I saw that a guy who had cut himself day and night and appeared to have mental illness; he was healed by Jesus. I then became very agitated with God and threw the Bible to the floor. I just didn’t understand why I wasn’t well; if He had healed this guy so long ago, why did I have to be in so much pain?!

I began to yell and swear at God: “If You are real, then why the $%#@ can’t you help me? Why can’t you do for me what you did years ago for that guy? I’m so tired of this !@#*, and tired of living this way. Don’t You understand that I’m tired of crying all night long … cutting and drinking because I cannot cope? Life isn’t supposed to be this way. I don’t want mental illness. Please help me.”

I do realize now that swearing to God may not have been the best thing, but at that time I wasn’t accustomed to talking with Him and tried my best to be nice. After saying this, I pleaded with God; I truly petitioned Him for His help.

I figured my last resort was this God who I wasn’t even so sure about. I put all my doubts aside and immediately I began to pray to God. Actually – I challenged Him that I wanted answers and that I would give Him three weeks to “prove Himself” to me. Even though I wasn’t sure if I believed in God, I thought it would be a good idea if I at least put my efforts into it. I wanted my life to change and was looking for a difference.

I figured that I had done everything else possible, so why not at least give God a chance? It seemed as if nothing else had worked, but I had never thought of including God . . . because I mainly blamed God. Part of me thought that what happened to me was His fault. Additionally, part of me wasn’t convinced that He even existed. I wasn’t sure what I believed in — I wasn’t even certain about God.

God honored those three weeks, I’m so thankful to say.

Ever since I “challenged” God, my life turned around completely and has never been the same! I “officially” accepted Jesus into my heart and life in April, 1995, during a revival meeting with Janny Grein. What happened over the next 1 1/2 years was absolutely breathtaking!

With the love and mercy of God, I learned to cope with the past and look forward to the future; there is hope and there is a better way of life. I learned that I don’t have to live my future based on my past. I am not sure why God allowed all that happened to me, but I do know that what was meant for bad is now being turned around for good. God has now given me opportunities to help others who have been abused and because of my past abuse, I can identify with them, and I can have compassion for them that I probably may never have had otherwise.

I have forgiven all the people that have hurt and abused me. It took me a long time to discover that forgiving those who abuse you is the only thing that will set a person completely free from the pain and devastation the abuse causes. It takes the help of God to forgive, I realize, but He is right there waiting to help a person forgive, when they are ready — ready to be set completely free and be made whole.

Let me say something before going further. Forgiving those who has made your life a living hell makes no sense whatsoever, I realize. Humanly speaking, they don’t deserve forgiveness, right?! They deserve to rot and burn in in hell, right?! Yet think of this — if that person who abused you was burning in hell right now, would that heal you of all the things going on in your life? Would it somehow suddenly deliver you from the emotional hell you have known so long? What is your real heart’s desire? To be free from your hell, and be made whole, or vengeance against the one who has abused you? Why not do yourself a huge favor and do what God will help you do if you want to be healed and made whole the way God would like you to be? Please don’t waste another day suffering because of what someone else has done to you that has so messed up your life. Take some action that will shut off the poisonous tie your soul has with that person. Do you want to know what God’s remedy is that will cut that poisonous soul tie off from the one who abused you, so you can put yourself on the road to total freedom from your emotional hell, and be a whole person? It’s the “medicine” God prescribes called: forgiveness.

Oh — c’mon now, Vicki. Now you’re playing those stupid religious games! I’m not going to forgive that person for doing what that person did to me! They don’t deserve my forgiveness! Besides … I couldn’t forgive them even if I wanted to!

Fair enough. Please consider this, though, before rejecting my offer completely. Let’s say the role was reversed. Let’s say you were the one who did the violent raping. Let’s say you are the one who has hurt other people and made their life a living hell. And … let’s say you didn’t want to risk going to hell on the Judgment Day. Let’s say you would like God’s forgiveness for all the terrible things you did against other people, so you could be positive you would go to heaven and stay there for eternity, and not go to hell. Wouldn’t you like a heavenly Judge who actually would and

will forgive you?

Take it a step further. Let’s say you’re a serial killer. Let’s say you’ve raped a few dozen or more little girls and boys and then murdered them. Let’s say you are about to die by lethal injection for it, and you now would like to be certain that somehow you could get God’s forgiveness for all the wrong you have done? You know full well you don’t deserve to be forgiven — certainly not by the living relatives of those you killed, nor can you possibly forgive yourself, so why in the world would God want to forgive you, right? You don’t deserve forgiveness, and you know it … though you surely would like to be forgiven.

Suddenly … God shows up in front of you and says … “I’m the Creator, and do you know that I died on the cross and paid the penalty for all the wrong and evil you caused against those little innocent girls and boys? Do you know that I shed my innocent blood – I gave my life … when I didn’t have to … so that you can be forgiven, and be made a new spiritual creation? Do you know that there is no evil — no wrong — no amount of wrongs … that I won’t forgive, if you’ll just accept My love. My sacrifice on the cross is the evidence of My love for wrongdoers – for sinners. It isn’t because you deserve it, I want you to realize. You deserve punishment in hell for eternity. But … my loving sacrifice frees you from hell and everlasting torment … if you will just grab hold of it and accept it as the free gift to you that it is. It’s a free gift to anyone who wants it, no matter how much wrong they have done to others.”

You see … that is what the heart of Christianity is: Love and Forgiveness. God loves us so much that He forgives us of everything wrong we’ve ever done, because of the sacrifice Jesus Christ gave on the cross. You’ve probably heard that, though maybe you sort of flipped it off as a bunch of religious garbage, or lies. It’s not, precious one. It’s the secret I found to be set free from the hell I was living in. I came to the conclusion … that if God is willing to forgive me of every one of my wrongdoings … He will give me the power and strength and courage to forgive those who have wronged me. When I forgive them , God releases healing power in me. The one who has abused me isn’t free from answering to God about their wrongdoing … but I get set free from my hatred and bitterness (emotional cancer if you will) and the torturous memories from the abuse of the one I forgive. This can only happen though with God’s help. We don’t have the ability to do that by ourselves. But I can assure you God will be right there with you to give you the courage and strength to do it.

Let me say this as well. Forgiving someone who abused you doesn’t mean God is expecting you to

like that person either! Liking a person and forgiving a person is entirely two different things! When I hold bitterness and anger toward someone who has hurt me … it is like drinking a glass of emotional and spiritual poison every day of my life. I am committing slow suicide without even knowing it! Bitterness and anger is poison to our soul, and the only sure remedy that God says works is telling God you forgive that person for what they did to you. Remember … God is

not going to forgive that person for what they did to you, if they don’t ask His forgiveness, and they will answer on the Judgment Day to God for what they did to you. However … that is between them and God. When you forgive … God makes certain you get rewarded for it, and for starters, your reward is healing!

Well, with God’s help from the Holy Spirit, I forgave my tormentors, and I am a living testimony that forgiveness works! I am completely healed, recovered and overcome in every area! I am now married to a wonderful Christian man. We married in April, 1999. My life has taken a 360 degree turn and I am amazed at what God can do! He can do the same for you, and even more … if you’re ready to be set completely free. All you have to do is mean business with Jesus Christ.

It is my hope that every person reading this will come to the realization that they can overcome anything in their life, as nothing is hopeless! Hey folks … we’re talking about being connected with the Creator of the universe here … the Creator of all things. Nothing is impossible for Him!

Whatever you have gone through, or may be facing right now, you can get through it just like I did — get completely healed and set free from it — and lead a normal healthy life as God intended for you to live. You do not have to let the past hold you in its painful grip. You do not have to be a victim of circumstances of the past. You can be victorious over life … instead of being a victim of life. God wants you to be victorious! I’m not lying to you one bit.

Why did God allow all your hurt to happen to you in the first place, you still want to know? You may not believe there is a devil right now, but let me tell you, there’s a devil alright, and he is using evil people to abuse children and older people every hour of every day somewhere on this planet. There is a battle between good and evil going on in this planet … and if you want to spend the rest of your life hating God for what has happened to you, God gives you that right, but it grieves Him when you do. Please … don’t waste any more time hating the very One who can help you, and set you free from the pain you are in. He truly wants to, but you have to do things His way, not yours. He’s God. He knows what He is doing.

I had such a lopsided view and understanding of God. Everyone does to one degree or another, until they become saved — become spiritually born again — and get properly connected to God and be around spiritually mature people who can help you and pray with you and encourage you. Once that happens, the Holy Spirit helps you to begin to understand the way things really are. The scales come off our eyes, and we begin to see and understand God in a totally different light. It is incredibly amazing!

God will touch you. He will change you. He is just a prayer away. Are you ready to surrender to His love and forgiveness and help that knows no limitations? He longs to set you free from your hell. His heart grieves over your pain. Truly it does.

I know God will heal anyone … anytime … of anything. They just have to either be desperate enough, or courageous enough – or both.

Jesus Did It!!!! 

Testimony: Pornography Widow

Am always happy when I get to read testimonies. It’s like a movie, where everything is not real but to some extent it is. I tap from this testimony and sure it will save a marriage out there. 

To my precious sisters in Christ,

I pray that this testimony will help you who are living with a man that has some kind of an addiction that causes him to live a secret life. It doesn’t matter what kind of addiction it is; it is the devastation that is real and unbearable.

Let me share some of my past and see if you can relate. I was raised in a family that didn’t show any affection or love. I knew from a very young age that rejection was a big part of my life. I didn’t understand it then, and to be quite honest with you, I really don’t fully understand it now. Let’s face it – rejection hurts! I know that we all experience rejection throughout our lives, but to get it from all sides all of your life, well –

something is terribly wrong there!

I married my husband in 1965 and his family never received me as one of the family. Why they rejected me I’ll never know. I never understood why, so Terry and I stayed pretty much to ourselves.

We lost our first child; he was four days old when he died. He had bleeding of the brain, a ruptured lung, pneumonia, and the chord was wrapped around his neck three times. (However, we will see him in Heaven. Amen!)

Within a year I was pregnant again. God gave us a little girl named Andrea, in 1967. During our first year, Terry told me he didn’t want to kiss or be affectionate, as he believed that that was an absolute must during courtship, but once we were married, it was not that important anymore. I was shocked! I asked him, “Where in the world did you hear that? “Who told you that?! ” He didn’t have an answer. So now I was rejected by my own husband, and I felt terribly devastated.

God blessed us with a second child in 1970; a boy named Christian. I put all my effort and life into raising my children and giving them as much love and affection as I knew how. I spent all of my time taking care of my family. We were ready to get divorced after ten years of marriage. Our lives were completely out of control. Terry had a pornography problem that he would not talk to me about. I felt so alone and unloved. “God … help me!” was my constant cry.

Then in March 1975 we met Jesus and He saved our marriage. Praise God He did, because I was a blackout drunk for three years and turning to other men because my husband didn’t want me! I couldn’t compete with all the women on the Internet. I was a pretty good looking woman with a nice body and a pretty good lover too. But – it doesn’t matter if you look like Marilyn Monroe; it is impossible to compete with a fantasy! Impossible!

I was delivered and never wanted to drink again or sleep with other men. Our marriage came back together. Although I was delivered and my husband got radically changed, for some reason that pornography demon never left him, and as a result of that, the pornography got worse! 

He got arrested for being lewd in a public place and I didn’t think I wanted to live anymore, but I knew I had my children to take care of so I just prayed 24/7. I prayed so much that I began to think that God was getting tired of hearing from me. My husband was also praying daily for deliverance because he had a private life no one knew about, and he wouldn’t share it with anyone. I had no idea how much his problem was consuming him.

We were in church each week and we looked like a good Christian family. Terry joined a support group in church and each week they would talk about their problems. Each person shared their problems and they all tried to help each other. Terry found out that he was the only one in that group that had sexual problems. Of course, as you know, anything said in that group was supposed to stay in the room.

I tried to get involved with the women’s group, only no matter know many times I offered, no one ever called me. I realized that people believed that I must be the reason Terry had a sexual problem. I wasn’t being a good wife so it was my fault. Only I didn’t have the problem. Terry did! I was a victim!

Precious women of God, listen to me. It is not your fault if your husband has an addiction. I don’t care what kind it is! It is not your fault. And don’t let Satan or anyone else tell you it is! You aren’t putting the drugs in his mouth! You aren’t making him look at porno! You aren’t making him commit adultery! He has his own God-given free will to do whatever he wants. Even if you are not a good wife, it is still his decision to do whatever he wants. He is going to have to grow up and start taking responsibility for his own actions! AMEN!

In 1994 Terry was delivered, and in front of the whole church on a Wednesday night, he told his story about his addiction. I remember afterwards that people went to Terry and hugged him, cried with him and congratulated him and praised God for what He had done.

I found it interesting that not one person in the entire church came up to me and said anything. No hug, nothing. I felt rejection again. I really 

thought that things would be different in our marriage after his deliverance, but Terry still never turned to me. He never learned to walk in his deliverance, so like a dog returns to his vomit, Terry returned to his pornography and as usual I didn’t know about it. He totally hid it from me. But still, there was no affection, and now I know why.

In 1996 I felt a great, great hurt in my heart … and all of a sudden it seemed like a switch was turned off. At that time I lost all hope. I also

lost all my love for my husband. I just couldn’t deal with life anymore. I told him that I didn’t love him anymore, and he asked me how long had it been, and I said about a month at that time. He cried for two days straight. My self-esteem was gone. I felt dead inside.

I continued to pray and seek God and began to heal slowly. We continued to go to church and in 2005 my husband was totally delivered, and is walking in his deliverance. The stronghold has been broken. That spirit of perversion has been cast out. Thank you Jesus! He is a new man. For the first time in our life he is talking to me. He has turned to me and is affectionate, and God is restoring our relationship.

On our 40th anniversary we had a party. We renewed our vows to celebrate our newfound love. A week later he took me to Hawaii, our first honeymoon. We had sex every night for seven days, and for the first time in our life it was intimate. There was closeness…there was oneness…and God was present. Not like before where it was just vaginal masturbation for my husband after looking at other women all day long.

You know – God is good. I feel free from rejection regarding our marriage and it is a wonderful thing. Thank you Jesus! Our lives are getting better and we are for the first time in a real relationship — talking and getting to know one another — all to the glory of God.

Women of God, just continue to seek God and pray. Don’t ever give up hope. Don’t let the enemy steal your life. Trust God for everything. I just want to remind you that God loves you and will not leave you ever. Please, trust Him especially when there seems to be no hope. Let God have all the burden, and don’t forget that you have to receive what He has already given you. We walk by faith, not by sight. ‘Let go and let God’ … is right on and it works.

Dear sisters – I hope that something I’ve said has helped you. If you have no hope as I once had no hope, just remember that Jesus has all the hope you need.

God has provided everything that we need through Jesus. God has done His part. We need to be responsible for what we do, and walk in our deliverance no matter how hard it is. God will not leave us or forsake us ever. We need to be as faithful to God.

I would love to hear from you, if you feel you need someone you can open up to without judging you.

I hope everyone reading this realizes I did not have to share this testimony publicly. I’ve done it because God has asked me to share it publicly, so others can be helped like He has helped my husband and I. Pornography is a growing spiritual virus (sin) in the Body of Christ every bit as deadly as the Aid’s virus, and it’s spreading rapidly, and will continue to do so, because the devil realizes just how effective it is in destroying relationships and self-esteem.

His tactic is to keep Christians silent about it however. Well, God has asked my husband and I to not bury this part of our testimonies … but to let God use them to give courage and transparency and hope to others who know that they need deliverance from something much more powerful than what they ever realized in the beginning.

May God bless you. 

Jesus Did it!!! 

Testimony: Calling On Jesus Will Change You 

It was the summer of 1968, and I was 14 years old looking ahead to my freshman year in high school, well almost looking ahead. I remember being a little anxious about it and wanting very much to fit in. One big plus was that my sister was going to be a senior that same year and she had a lot of friends who were also going to be upper classmen.

It was that summer when some of my friends offered me the first opportunity to smoke pot. I can almost remember exactly what was said.

“Hey, man, c’mon Dave it’s really cool, everybody’s smokin’ dope now.” I will never forget taking a big drag off of that long American flag joint. I knew how because I had already been smoking cigarettes for a while. Well, as the months went by, I can remember smoking hash, then some black tar opium, and every weekend I would scrape up enough money for a nickel bag or whatever was available. Sometime around my sophomore year, I had gotten a part time job at a small neighborhood drugstore, and that’s how I was able to afford my dope, not to mention what I began to steal from the job. I can remember going to the library, which by the way, was conveniently located just across the street. I would start checking out the books on pharmaceuticals. Well, I never really would physically check them out because I didn’t of course want anyone to wonder why I had an interest in these books.

I began to recognize the different kinds of drugs on the shelf just by site. So, I just took a few here and there, not even considering what some of the real side effects would or could be. Let’s see, there were the uppers, speed—Dexedrine, benzedrine, Desoxin, methamphetamine sulfate, and then there were the downers, barbs—Tuinal, Seconal, Desbutal, Phenobarbital, Belladonna and so on. I can remember being so down at one party, and out-of-it, as we would say, that I literally sat on the floor with my eyes closed and I found myself viewing the whole scene from above while I was in some sort of semi-conscience state. I’m telling you that I was out of my own body looking down from above, and all the time overhearing the conversations in the room.

As I continued to experiment with other types of street drugs like mescaline, peyote, and LSD, there were times when it could get a little scary, as if there was evil lurking in the shadows, and of course there were the paranoid emotions you had to deal with from time-to-time. It seemed as if each new high started to become a new low, and just about the time you would receive a real scare on one of your highs, and you’d begin to think that just maybe you shouldn’t get high anymore, someone would come by and say, “Oh! c’mon, Dave let’s go get a buzz ” and you would go and forget about everything. All this time we would drink too and that sometimes really got out of control.

A few years went by, and I was still controlling, I thought, my drug habits. Then I overdosed on what was called “angel dust,” what a deceptive name. You see, I really lost it on this trip and was hearing things and dealing with what I thought was the absence of my friends when all along they were right there walking with me through this concert. A fear came over me like a blanket of cold emptiness. I can remember calling out the name of the Lord. It was that name of the Lord who I had heard about as a young boy brought up in the Catholic religion. God delivered me that day in a miraculous way, but I will tell you about that some other time. All I can say for right now is that suddenly I became sober-minded and felt safe.

It seemed for the next few months I heard of and met more people who knew Jesus, as if He was a real person, than at any other time during my whole life up to that point. There was one man who owned a bike shop where I had just purchased my very first ten-speed bicycle. I was about nineteen then and wanted to buy a bike to ride on nice days when I got high. This man spoke to me about the Lord Jesus Christ, and gave me a Christian tract, which was called “The Four Spiritual Laws”. I can only remember a few things about what it had to say but I can definitely remember what I felt like after reading it. It was like a real sorrow and conviction inside my heart that showed me that I was trapped in a deception.

I can remember thinking how someday I wished I could just keep my mind straight and my head right and not have to get high just to feel secure and belonging to something. This tract talked about a new beginning for whomever asked Jesus to become the Lord in their life and allowed Him to sit on the throne of their life. I can remember thinking that I didn’t know how God could forgive me because I could never remember just how much sin I had been involved in, therefore, I couldn’t be expected to confess all my sins to have them forgiven. This thought troubled me from my youth as a Catholic having to confess all my sins to a priest, and it had been years since that happened. I guess it was about six to eight months when things really began to heat up. First, because of an acquaintance of mine, I began to have a real interest in reading the Bible. I sensed real comfort in doing this and that’s why I kept it up. My friends were calling me “Holy Joe” and a few other things, but something else was really wrong. I called out to God one day and asked him to change things…you know, like my whole life. I was so tired of the rut I found myself in. I was holding down two jobs and partying as hardy as ever, but it just wasn’t like it used to be.

I had gone in and out of a couple of relationships and because I was just too high most of the time I screwed those up and kept finding myself alone. Until, one weekend I was introduced to Carol, the lady who became my wife. One really big thing we had in common was the fact that we were both playing the game of life but not enjoying it much. Again, I know the Lord began to work in our lives because of the time I prayed and asked Him for a change.

Some months later, we found ourselves and about seven or eight of our friends at a church service one Sunday. It was held in the auditorium of an elementary school. There was so much love in that place you could feel it. There we were, shoulder-length hair, bellbottom jeans, sandals, the whole thing. People came up to us and welcomed us like they knew who we were. One last and the most memorable thing that was said was the invitation from Bob for us to come forward to ask Jesus into our hearts. He led us in a prayer denouncing our past life and asking Jesus to wash away our sins. The next emotion I felt was one of having liquid peace poured over my head; it dripped down all over me and covered me like a thick blanket. There we stood, Carol and me—“Born Again.” PRAISE THE LORD! You see the moral of this story is that Jesus is alive and is very real to those who believe and call upon His name. Our life has never been the same since that day, and we know that over the last 20 years God has remained faithful to the cry of our hearts—to be changed.

Psalms 34:8 Amplified–“O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good! Blessed—happy, fortunate [to be envied] — is the man who trusts and takes refuge in Him.”

Jesus did it!!!